Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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