Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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