I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
