Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
