I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
