apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
