apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
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