Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
