I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
