Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
