We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
