Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
