She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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