You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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