I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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