I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
