My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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