When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
