so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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