I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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