Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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