just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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