im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
