drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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