it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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