I met the friendliest cop last night
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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