1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
