I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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