Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
