im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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