I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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