Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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