If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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