I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
