Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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