Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
