i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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