I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
