are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
