Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
