Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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