i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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