How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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