I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
