just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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