I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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