Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
