Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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