You're completely useless in the revolution.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
