your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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