I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
